Horrorscope for 2008
I have thought of writing this a few weeks ago but it’s only now that I have got enough time to write it. It would have been better and timely if I have posted this during the start of the year or on the first week of this month. But never mind that, what’s important is that I’m writing it now.
An Introduction
I haven’t tried publishing a funny entry here in my blog1. In fact, I have only contributed twice in my entire writing career to a humor filled article. And that was way back in my high school days. In our official school paper, The Chimes, we had (but I don’t know if they still have it up to this day) this article under the features section with the title “Horrorscope.” It’s some sort of a horoscope which we just created from scratch and they were really funny because we only wrote about impossible misadventures that people can experience, which of course were the fruit of our creative juices. I guess it’s the most read piece in our publication next to the stories about ghosts and spirits living in our school which were half true and half fabricated stories that we wrote. Most of those who were in the reportorial staff during the second and third years of the paper had contributed something to these articles. We really had fun doing them. And our creative juices had to be refilled after writing these premonitions.
Because there were so many of us who contributed, we had to use a pen name that would represent everyone. One of us thought of the name Ma*Damn Tusha. We found the name really funny and so in its first installment, the writeup was under Ma*Damn Tusha’s name. In its second year, it was changed into Ma*Damn Damhin, and just before we graduated, it was turned into Ma*Damn Damhing Yuhmoh (I wasn’t able to contribute to the third installment). As what I have said, I don’t have much experience in writing humorous articles. But now, I’m trying. Besides, I want to inject some sense of humor here in my blog…
The Editor’s Note found bellow was copied from our official publication with a few modification.
Let the pfun and stupidity begin…
*****
Hello. My name is Ma*Damn Tusha, I have a very unique ability and talent. I can read whatever the stars dictate by just looking at them, even during the starless nights. How do I do that? Well, that’s my secret. I can also give premonitions by just looking at the falling stars and comets during the night. I can also tell you what may happen in the near future based on the planetary movements, and even galaxial and universal movements. I’m also good in palm reading especially if there is a text inscribed on your palm. I am armed with the latest technology in the field of astrology. I have a solar powered crystal diamond ball which isn’t working right now because there isn’t enough sunlight to make it work. Moving on, I’m pleased to tell you that I have recently acquired a telescope that has an attached pendulum to it but I’m still in the process of learning how to use it. I have also electronic tarot cards, which my customers really like. And by just giving me your finger print, I can gain access to your personal information (e.g. bank accounts, PayPal account, credit cards, etc.).
Aries
March 21 - April 19
Make sure that you will stock as much food and water as you can. Particularly, buy loads of Jjamppong from the supermarket. This would help you survive the famine that will strike during the second half of this year. You have enough time to prepare. According to my unreliable source, by the time that the famine would have ended, you would be suffering from hemorrhoids so be sure to check with your physician right after the famine. Good luck!
Taurus
April 20 -May 20
Be careful during the months of June and September because all sorts of acid would be around you. Hydrochloric acid or commonly called as muriatic acid, for example would be on your drinking water, vinegar would be replaced by your rubbing alcohol, and sulfuric acid would be on your food. If you have accidentally induced any of these acids especially those that are very dangerous to your health, be sure to eat seven bars of soap immediately which we all know is a base, a chemical compound which when added to an acid would cause neutralization.
Gemini
May 21- June 20
You will find a treasure map sometime this year, I am pleased to tell you that I know the contents of this map. The map says that for one to get the treasure, you need to go to the Chocolate Hills. From there, travel 1000 miles north, then, 1000 miles east, followed by 1000 miles south and finally, 1000 miles west. Once there, dig 1000 miles below, be sure to dig on the precise point because according to the constellations, the treasure in question is only a small ring. Don’t worry, I’m not interested in getting that treasure and no one has an interest on it so I’m pretty sure that its still there.
Cancer
June 21- July 22
I’ve been using my famous electronic tarot cards and I found out that you will be a very unlucky blogger this year. Your Technorati rank would eventually fall down to zero by the end of the year. Your readers would not feel like visiting your blog again. Moreover, a hacker would hack your site. So be sure that you will do regular backups. And oh, before I forget, your backups would be useless because they are infected with a strong virus that no one knows how to remove. So don’t bother creating your backups. I’m so sorry.
Leo
July 23- August 22
Subscribe to your network’s unlimited texting plan, be sure that your cellphone is in good condition because you will receive tons of messages. Prepare your fingers to get numbed. Your network, and the other networks as well would be experiencing some technical problems and all of the messages that are supposed to be sent to other people would be sent to you instead. That’s why you would receive tremendous amount of SMS. Be sure to check out these messages because some of them would be from your friends and family members which you have to read.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
I’m thinking that you will be very lucky this year. But to be lucky, be sure to follow these easy instructions: First, prepare the hundred peso bill that your friend gave to you which he found in the canal near their place. Second, cut it into one hundred equal parts but be sure to reconstruct the stinking bank note using either glue gun or packaging tape. This should be the money that you would use to buy the red piggy bank that you will see in the store two blocks away from your street. Proceed to cashier eight and pay for it. Put it on the north east side of your house. Everyday, drop a Php 1000 bill in it. By the end of the year, I’m sure, you will be rich! What are you waiting for? Start doing these easy steps!
Libra
September 23 - October 22
Your advisers (e.g. spiritual, political) would tell you lots of bad news so be sure to take your antihypertensive medicines. You would know that the gems that you own which you’ve inherited from your ancestors are just made out of glass, in the vernacular, puwet ng baso, your house located at Makati City that you once called home is now under the name of Inday (the one who is in the text jokes) for some unknown reasons. And the feng sui expert that you hired renovated your mansion in Baguio City without you knowing it. It’s now made-up of indigenous materials. It turns out that that feng sui expert is a criminal.
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Remember the raffle ticket you bought a few weeks ago? Please look for this ticket because when I was using my solar powered crystal ball a few hours ago, I saw an omen that you’ll win the raffle. You’ll get the first price, a round trip ticket to the USA. Congratulations! Be sure to keep this raffle ticket because there is a person plotting against you. But I think that person would not succeed. Once you have arrived in the USA, you need to board the next flight back here in the Philippines. Yes, that’s the whole of your trip. At least, you were able to experience how it feels to be on an airplane. And of course, it’s an all-expense-paid trip so nothing to worry about hidden charges, taxes, etc.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You will get involved in the feud between the two broadcasting networks here in the Philippines. They would have many informants that would point to you as the mastermind of this issue after all. Consequently, they would also know that you have convinced other families with TV Panels installed by the AGB Nielsen to change their viewing patterns. They would know that you bribed families to watch shows of RPN, IBC, NBN, and other networks here in the Philippines with Ligo Sardines, Payless, Bear Brand, Komea Bihon and Php 25.00 cellphone load. You will be persecuted in the court and because you’ve also bribed the judge’s family to watch Lastikman and Mari Mar regularly, your verdict would be guilty. You will serve your next 10 years in jail. But don’t worry, there will be a TV available for you to use inside the jail and it even has a TV Panel on it!
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Tonight, at exactly 9:13PM, be sure to post an entry about yourself. Make sure that the entry you will post is something about your good traits. How you look, how smart you are, the cars that you own, etc. If you’re a male, be sure to include that you are tall, black, and handsome. On the other hand, for females, please include your vital signs statistics. For those who belong to the third sex, just post anything that you want as long as they are about your good characteristics. Tonight, the moon, stars, planets are in the position that makes people believe in impossible and unbelievable stories. You will get tremendous amount of comments, and will exceed your bandwidth quota. Because of this, your host will erase your account.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Brace yourself. Your much awaited make-up kit would arrive in front of your door early next week. This make-up is a gift from your boyfriend in Paris. The make-up kit includes a lip stick available in rainbow colors, lotion that comes in toot fruity scent, a concealer that you can use to conceal anything, even your whole face! It also includes a nail polish that easily dries (be ware though, because once you’ve opened it, it would dry within five seconds so be sure not to expose it in the air), a waterproof mascara that can only be removed by using paint thinner and many more! But since the make-up kit is disposable, you can only use it once.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
I am really sorry, you will have the P and F Syndrome. Prom now on, you will fronounce the letters “Fi” as “fff…” as in comfuter, affle, WordFress, farrot, cuf cake, f*kf*k, f*nis, etc., and “Ep” as “pppphh…” as in pailed, pruit, priends, peature, puture, pish, etc. But that sounds cool isn’t? I had an fropessor who has this syndrome and he sounds really punny. Hmmm… okay, I think I need to check my telescofe por accuarcy even though… WAIT! What did I say?! Fropessor? Punny? Telescofe? Por? Oh my God! What haffened to me? Uh, oh. I progot! I was born on Pebruary 24, 1984! And I am a Fisces! Whaa!
I hofe you enjoyed reading my horrorcofe por this year! See you in 2009!
Editor’s Note
The preceding article contains scenes not suitable for the reading public. Ma*Damn Tusha is currently undergoing psychiatric sessions at the *%#!2& for her schizophrenic-psychosomatic-metaphysics-jeandamanticz disorder. Anyone who catches her lurking around is advised to report to the FBeeEye or text
TUSHA and send it to 14344
or call 1-800-TUSHA
or visit www.tusha.com
A reward for the capture of Ma*Damn Tusha is waiting for you.
*****
Poor Ma*Damn Tusha, she’s suffering from the P and F Syndrome right now. Well, I enjoyed writing this, especially the premonition for Pisces. Be sure to read that one! Lol.
- Or did I? [↩]
